Binge and Purge

It's Not My Fault your Chichis Were Out!

2010-07-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

"shake those titties, Tortoro!"

How dumb right! Okay like on fourth of July I was being hella high with my cousins, and like we have this little cousin (I think he is like 10 or 16 or some shit) who we call Totoro because he is round and fluffy... what were not being mean, he likes the nick name. Anyway, my nutty Christian aunt was having a Hawaiian theme barbecue and Totoro thought it would be a good idea to put on a hula skirt, and a pair of coconut shells (sometimes I wonder) with no shirt on. Anyway, my cousins and I see Tortoro in this outfit, and start cracking up... I call tortoro over and I am all like, "Tortoro can you hula for us," and like a professional pussy shaker, he starts shaking those fat boy thighs like the rent is due. We all start laughing including Tortoro, but then I get a call, and I tell my cousins that I have to pick up something from my friend's house, which was a lie... It was a booty call from this really hot Mexican boy with a perky ass... but anyway....

I return back to my aunts place, it has been 2 hours and my cousins and crazy christian aunt are in a prayer circle. Tortoro is off to the side all red and sweaty and whimpering, did I mention his coconut top has come off and his fat boy chichis have come out. Once Tortoro sees me, he screams, "auntie, there he is." My aunt comes at me, with a furious face, and starts screaming at me about how my great idea made Tortoro cry. Apparently, this is what happened, my Chola and Cholo cousin, kept on egging on Tortoro to shake his money maker even though Tortoro was tired...they did this long enough that Tortoro's coconut bra fell off. Finally, Tortoro was fed up and stopped and started walking away. But my Cholita cousin, who looks like snow white, but wears misfits shirts, and draws her eyebrows on with a sharpie reached out and twist Tortoro's nipple and demands more which was followed up by my cholo cousin, who has a shaved head and a gang tattoo but wears Danzig shirts punching him in the arm, and was all like, "shake those titties, Tortoro!"Apparently, this went on for an hour and a half, and whenever Tortoro would stop my cholita cousin would twist his titty followed by her brother punching Tortor in the arm. And apparently for the hour and in a half Tortoro was dancing and crying like a real stripper....I am serious I can't make this shit up! Anyway, after my aunt was done screaming at me and trying to convince me to pray with them, I went up to Tortoro and apologized but threw in , "It's Not My Fault your Chichis Were Out!"

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Really did you have to?

2010-06-20T15:17:00.000-07:00

"my ass is firing out gassy shit water, my panties are stained and smell like wet dead dog. No more gringo food!" my friends are apparently too comfortable with me, because i woke up to that disgusting text message from a friend. But seriously, dear friend you're gross and why would you tell me your panties are stained; the only time this is something you text is when your butthole is frosting your granny panties with gold. Dignity people dignity! And like any good mexican you know gringo food is our poison! Stay away from it like it was Arizona! cheers, Hella Mexican

Why Am I So Ghetto

2010-06-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

So today i took my ass for a walk in the water beds of montebello and i came to this clearing where there were benches, and no hoodrats there weren't any woodland creatures signing songs, NO! there was a shirtless cholo with a baby stroller and he was drinking a 40 oz. King cobra (hella ghetto). Really this shit could only happen to me. Anyway, his drunk ass called me over offered me a sip of his forty and showed me his baby...yeah you heard right he had a baby in that stroller. Anyway, he asked me if i had weed or a dollar. Of course i lied and said no. But as i starred at his shirtless body, and his bud leaf tattoo glistening with sweat i wanted to sit on his face and twist my nipples. Then play put the round peg in the round hole...i know what you're thinking while the baby was there! No i would of pushed the baby in a safe corner and let him collect flies while his daddy explores his latent homosexuality. But i digress, even though i consider myself a class act (don't laugh) why is it i get wet for cholos?

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2010-06-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2010-06-05T13:53:00.000-07:00

Did you know you're a bitch!?

2010-06-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

You're the asshole Beaky Buzzard!

I know surprise, surprise, I get that rhetorical question a lot... and since I am hella dumb I don't know what rhetorical means, I answer it anyway, I usually reply, "Bitch, no one ever denied this, you say it like I don't know, I got that memo a long time ago and I don't need you to remind me." But it is rare when someone calls me an asshole. Last week some guy that reminds me of Beaky Buzzard was all like "don't become an art asshole." I guess I should give the back story, in bitch talk which is the abbreviated version, he was all like, " I failed as an artist" and I was like" yeah you're stuff is like caca." Okay it didn't happen like that, all I said was "if you want to make it you're going to need a degree." Then Mr.Beaky Buzzard was like don't become an art asshole, which I took offense too because I might be a bitch but an asshole...really how dare you. An asshole is sooo manly and I am more faggy then manly, if you're going to insult me get it right! And compared to all the shade I throw, what I said to him was really tactful, in fact I think I was friendly. Well friendly for me.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

I am not being racist because I hate everyone

2010-06-02T11:55:00.000-07:00

If you know me, I believe every racist stereotype about everyone, Black people can Sing, Asians can do my math homework, White people are boring-they all think they are Asian-they are all named biff or muffy-they think every Mexican has a name that ends with an O (I knew this bitch that always tried to latinize my name, I got my revenge when I put a laxative in her coffee), and they name their kids Skyler or some fuck up shit that makes them sound like a new car released by Honda; but I digress, and if you give any Mexican a lawn mower will have a small lucrative business in a week. With that said why is it that a lot of Asian guys can't kiss for shit. Okay not all, just the foreign born ones. I have this fuck buddy, who is a super hot, but his A.E. wearing ass can't kiss. It is literally like kissing, well I imagine, kissing a lizard on E. His tongue grosses me the fuck out, every time he comes over I hide my mouth from his tongue of the billion lashes. And he ain't the only one, every time I meet up with a guy who is Asian and foreign born that bitches tongue is doing it's best to gross me out. WTF is up with that! Please my curious ass wants to know!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

The Rise of Xtina!

2010-04-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

Today is a great day, I got laid...what don't judge, and my number one bargain barrel hoodrat (that is compliment) , Xtina finally released her video for "Not Myself Tonight." Ugh, I have been waiting like I was a recipient of well-fair... Hella long! but finally it is here. My Acer's speakers are busted (Hella low budget, my Mac Book crashed) so I can't hear it in it's full effect, but I tried sinking the video to the song on my I-Pod but that shit didn't work...things you got to do in the Ghetto. But I digress, so my favorite part of this whole video is at 2:22, Bitch is rocking trailer park-leave damp and spray with aquanet hair style, you know my loins quivered to that image.
Anyway, for those bitches who say she is ripping off Lady Pasty Face (Lady Gaga)! Well let me remind you, Christina has always been raunchy--Dirrrty, and has been doing the haute Couture Stroll--Fighter, before lady Oatmeal complexion was around. But I will be honest she needs to stop with the one eye thing because to be real that is plagiarism (I had to spell check that shit). Oh and you know why Xtina is my number one, because bitch is rocking bedazzled bondage, any hoodrat that can take a bedazzler and make it raunchy gets my respect!

Cheers,
Hella Mexican

420

2010-04-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

For all you who are having a great fucking 420 I hate you because my fucking ass is sober. Well anyway smoke it up for me.

look dough boy your crotch barries are offending me.

2010-04-14T08:53:00.000-07:00

So Anyway I was just being you know like hood or whatever on the bus today when some crusty ass punker walks on the bus. I was like whatever you know I wasn't going to hate on him...well at first... then because the mother fucker doesn't know how to wear a belt his dirty ass skid mark chonies were all out there to see. And the worse was when his pit stained Beatles shirt rode up on his love handles and flashed me his crotch, I was not happy! And this is why I hate people!

Cheers,
Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2010-01-25T14:42:00.000-08:00

Ugh, why I hate....

2010-01-25T13:36:00.000-08:00

What would Alexis Carrington do?

Don't you hate when annoying people try to be glamorous. I think I am about to have a moment where I pull some delirious bitch aside and give her a reality check. So I had this friend (really not a friend I just tolerated her ass) and she always thought she had the elegance of a chola's eyebrow and that use to make me want throw a glass of champagne in her face and give her a real stern look like Alexis Carrington would do to any bitch that got out of line on Dynasty (on or off the set). I haven't made the rounds to deleting her from my network websites and still get updates on her, which usually are her being really delusional about her swagga... girl has none, when you look like the progeny of Frankenstein and a bloated bean bag, there is nothing cute about your swagga, lets...be...real. I swear I am about to roll her up in a thread bare carpet, drive her down a long forest road and dig a nine foot hole, if she doesn't stop it with the lies! Girl needs to know she can only be a sidekick not the biggest bitch in town. There was this one time where she thought she would do sexy, and trust me it should of been illegal. Have you ever seen a waffle iron now picture fat being held in by fishnets and you got what her thighs looked like in her hosiery....I didn't know industrial engineers made leggings. And then she had on this kind of slutty outfit but on her it looked like a barrel in a dress.... all I know is her tom foolery needs to stop!

cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2010-01-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

Um, how do you ask someone is that a wig?

2010-01-23T16:51:00.000-08:00

Curious readers want to know...

So I think my friend is sporting a wig. The reason I think her hair is Hella Wiggy is because it doesn't move. I have a feeling even if a hurricane blew threw LA and knocked down every protective covering, her hair wouldn't move like some grand natural barrier. Anyway, I want to know if it is a wig or does her hair grow out synthetically out of her head? so how do I ask? I mean I know when I am with my black home girls, I know whats up with the synthetic, there is no mysticism there, girl be sporting a polly blend. But this home girl is Asian, so I don't know if it is cool to be all like "girl you know that nylon ain't fooling me..." or I should have more tact and be all like, "Girl I am not synthetic prejudice, and the hair pin secrecy I totally understand." Or should I be straight hood and snatch off her head like a jaded drag queen. Damn, decisions, decisions.

Cheers,
Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2010-01-21T17:06:00.001-08:00

So Anyway

2010-01-21T16:21:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't updated in a long time but I was in sex rehab (like Tiger Woods but less Blasian)... Hahaha nah I would never go into sex rehab. I will tom foolery in boys' back entrance until my peepee falls off and crawls away injured and whimpering like a stabbed teen in a slasher film.
Nah, I have no excuse as to why I haven't update in forever...
But I digress, So my new years resolution is to get the mess that is my body back on check. So today I was at the gym working my winter coat off, when the most ungodly stench filled the room. It was the kind of stink that gives you case of the vomit, it was a hybrid between peperoni and rotten milk. Like Toucan Sam I followed my nose to the girl next to me, I was thinking to myself, "oh girl clench that labia, because your queefing is ruining my work out rhythm!" I must admit, that it wasn't the smelliest vagina I ever smelled; there was this once incident where a grandma looking old person, was making the gym smell like an Italian Delicatessen (yeah, I can spell that word too hoodrats), bitch had me gagin' like a pussy trying to cough up a hair ball.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-12-28T17:55:00.001-08:00

BABIES!

2009-12-28T11:31:00.000-08:00

I got to admit sometimes I think to myself I am one heartless hoodrat, hella grinchy but then there are moments where someone puts a bundle droll and snot also known as a baby in front of me and I become as sweet as Abuelita Chocolate. And you know this is the movie that is going to take me from hoody bitch to saintly angel in a second, I saw this trailer in the movie theaters and I was like, "aw babies!" then some janky retard behind me was all like "shhh" and then I turned around and was like, "you need to keep that sushing to yourself because I ain't the one, I will go back there and give you a lesson on ghetto." Okay so the only thing that can turn me hella rude real quick is someone trying to get between me and a cute baby.... I ain't perfect.

Cheers,
Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-12-24T17:05:00.000-08:00

Ugh! I am sucha Puta (pu-da, thats how I like to say it that way)

2009-12-24T09:17:00.000-08:00

Doesn't this song make you want to do something really puta right now like put on your favoritest self-tanner, you know the one that says on the bottle "cheeto complexion" slip on a jersey dress from American Apparel and act the fool on the dancer floor meaning doing the Valley girl, you know throwing up your hands like a frantic puta and shaking your body like a crack head detoxing, you know the kind of dancing that makes others worry your going to go into cardiac arrest! I known I've seen some valley girls on the floor and exclaimed, "ay hoodrat your rhythm is causing a scene, stop that indecency!" But anyway, this song is hella Valley girl but this hoodrat just can't walk away from it. I am seriously stuck on stupid for this song and I am ashamed and addicted all at the same time.

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-12-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

Things I observed...

2009-12-22T20:08:00.000-08:00

I was out in the general public today and it is my opinion the general public is hella janky. I was waiting for the bus today, and the guy waiting next to me apparently thought he had swaga, he was standing like he was too fine to be standing there.... and the whole time I was thinking, lets have a moment of clarity here, Your knock off timberland boots are hella dated and scuffed; your hair style looks like a porky pine had it's quills slicked back with 99 cent gel; you couldn't even afford to get your pants hemmed and are using neon thumb tacks to hem the back of your pants, and they don't even match! Why are you standing around like your fine a silk when you're as low budget as burlap!
Then I was at the mall today and I saw the line to meet Santa Claus and it was a line of raggedy cholas and cholos! Usually I love me some Chola elegance but these ones were looking like they had a case of la messy face... their face was being hella offensive with it's pock marks! I was just thinking to myself, "Santa Clause does not have nothing for those hoes except a subpoena and some government cheese!... He doesn't have the cure for meth face, so don't get your hopes up La nasty!

Yeah people are janky!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-12-21T21:10:00.001-08:00

It's 10 items or less!

2009-12-21T20:39:00.000-08:00

I just came back from being a consumer for Christmas, I bought a bunch of hoes stuff to make them feel special, AKA family and friends. Apparently some hoodrats don't know how to count because this blossom looking bitch was all in front of me in line with 15 items in a 10 items or less check out. Usually I would of reached into the hoodrats cart, pulled out 5 items and toss them and then be all like, "look Mayim Bialik I don't have time for your dumb ass to do the math but your 5 items over!..." don't believe me, trust I have done it before, the only reason why I didn't do it this time was because that bitch had vag cream in her cart.... A hoodrat with vagina problems is not the one to be messing with! However I did say this, "ew, someone peach fuzz ain't so fresh." I swear to Buddha/Jesus Christ I did! She was just being hella rude with her face and stanky vag cream so she deserves whatever I had to say!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch,

2009-12-20T04:26:00.000-08:00

hoe stroll

2009-12-20T04:11:00.000-08:00

I am back to blogging all your sanity away, hoody-hoodrats! Yes I have return to the magnificent internet world where my misspellings and basic grammar errors are like trademark or something! Anyway, I am super tired I got four hours of sleep on Saturday, honey who needs to sleep when you could snuggle up to some mans genitalia, and suck on it like your snorkeling or some shiz... Anyway I did the hoe stroll home or what most of you call the walk of shame around 9:30 a.m. See the difference I feel is simple the walk of shame has the word shame in it, and gurrl there is no shame in my game. I walked out of his place with my head held high and my chonies in my pocket... got me a bagel from the little Korean hoe who sells donuts, and whistled videophone by Beyonce... and believe me after last night my video memory on my phone is full.... Like I said be proud of your hoe stroll.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-10-25T13:25:00.000-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-10-13T08:56:00.001-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Forever and a Minute

2009-10-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

Apparently my professor had a HELLA crazy ass night, where she was sodomized by an irregular troll doll and drank tequila like a fish to water (ok it didn't happen like that but I can only picture everything in ghetto vision) because that hoodrat decided she wouldn't show up to class today, HELLA rude. And now my sore butthole (I say ride it hard or don't ride it at all) is just sitting around being glamorous at the school's computer lab. you know the people around me are all looking and thinking "now that right there is regal, sophisticated, and elegant." But for my professor, next time I see her I am going to kick her in her Madonna gap and call it a day. Who does she think she is standing up this perfection, she needs to recognize.
I know I haven't blogged in forever and a minute but I have a very good excuse, my boy twatter went crazy, hahaha just kidding, I'm a top... well depending on the guy if it is a big black and hangs below the knees, I'll be riding till die. Anyway, not too much to report, I have a boyfriend, yay! and we fornicate all the time, just in case you were wondering which I knew you were. Before I met him, I was just being me, meaning I was hoing it up in some random skank's twatter. But now that I am settled my man part is doing the strokathon. A wrist flick back and forth till it all comes to fruition is the only cheating I am doing. Like Xtina sings, "The Vixen in me becomes an angel for you." Xtina should write scripture because she speaks the real truth.

Cheers,
Hella Mexican

My eyes Don't Give a fornication!

2009-09-01T12:48:00.000-07:00

I am on campus, gross it is hot and I am sure the guy next to me is twattering about his itchy butt hole, he looks like the type to have an itchy butt hole, HELLA GROSS! I met this girl today in my Sign Language class, she seems nice and I think she has a vagina crush on me but you all know I don't do the clitoris, no me gusta! She is very pretty and sweet, she has a chance at becoming a fruit fly, if she plays her cards right. Girl, you got to work for all this gay. She has this really cute homo friend she introduced me to, I'd let him sit on my face, I ain't gonna lie, I'll give him a mustache ride of his life!
When I was at my previous college, you know the pretentious one, all the guys were HELLA raggedy. It is different here, a lot of the guys at the community college level are HELLA haute. Seriously, I ain't playin, there are some guys here that are worth a jizzin. When I am checking them out I don't glance, I stare, my eyes don't give a fornication, they see something pretty they will be takin it all in. I am sure I will fornicate my way through the campus, and I predict I will have gay boy drama by the end of the semester. Two years ago I was at this same community college and there was this homo going around telling everyone I was doin' him dirty in a four way at a party in a walk in closet, sure it was true but he didn't need to be airing my dirty chonies! Be prepared for the gay drama to begin!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-27T20:13:00.000-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Ms.Chiny, Chin, Chin

2009-08-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

Poor, Chins!

As I take my medication (Yes, it's legal) for my allergies, watching episode 14 on day two of my Bleach marathon, and updating my daily blog entry, all these nerdy activities are taking me back to the days when I was a twelve year old-math award winning-anime loving-bowl hair cut-nerd. The particular day that is coming to mind was the day when my nerdy group of friends in seventh grade ousted me and outed me, HELLA shady! What happened was this, the head nerd (a girl with a lisp and chin hair) decided to do me dirty and call me out in front of the whole gymnasium, She was all like, "We don't like you anymore because you like the penile" and no matter how true that is (I love "Wii, Wiii" so much I don't have a gag reflex anymore- HELLA raunchy!) and how much she was entitled to her bigoted opinion, she didn't have to go air my chonies to everyone!
There was my little hoodrat ass completely red with embarrassment and what felt like all the seventh grade boy's P.E. class pointing and laughing at me. I couldn't respond to her chin haired allegations, so I ran the most girlie run straight out of the gym.
And that would probably be one of those traumatic memories that geeks have except for the fact that this hoodrat got his revenge. Flash to me two years later, I am in high school, and instead of a nerd there is a cute homo with a cutting wit, and an army of beautful fruit flies. Unfortunately, for the girl with a lisp, time was not good to her, she remained a nerd and still had facial hair (there is no excuse for that kind of crime, she needed to wax that chin)...but I left her alone, it wasn't my character to pick on the weak. However, one day while my gaggle of hags and I were ditching six period P.E. and smoking a joint in the back of the auto shop class, I see Lispy waddling herself to the girl's Gymnasium and she is wearing a getup that has me rolling, an orange blouse, brown peddle pusher, and a green fisherman's beanie . And I guess the weed mixed in with my seventh grade bitterness because I exclaimed in a exhale of smoke, Oompa-Loompa! My lovely girls who were facing me, now did an about face to see what had me pointing and laughing. And once they turned and saw the crime against fashion, they began to laugh and scream, Oompa-Loompa! Oompa-LOOMPA, OOMPA_LOOMPA! There like the cosmic force of karma was Ms. Chiny, Chin, Chin being taunted by some of the hottest girls in high school, and one vengeful homo.... It was a nick name that stuck to her all through high school, I guess the moral of the story is don't be hating on my homo-geeky-game!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-26T22:32:00.000-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

School...Again!

2009-08-26T19:39:00.000-07:00

I hope my Japanese class is like Battle Royale, I'd go after hoes with a Curling Iron!

I thought my hoodrat nalgas escaped from a pretentious-ass-university with a degree last may. But now the pretentious ass school is like, "hoodrat you need to get the reality checked back into you." Apparently my ass cheeks while glamorous, did not raunch up the seats in every department. So now I have to take my nalgas back to Escuela again and be all dumb in hoodratty in two semesters of Spanish! If only I was proficient (yeah, I can spell that word, haters) in Spanish I could totally skip the first semester but since a Pocho with a lisp that ain't going to happen.
I think my pretentious school is being HELLA unfair because when I told them I spoke several languages such as, fagnese, Spanglish, ghettonese and hoodratnese, they were all like "Hoe you need to stop because those ain't languages." And I was totally thinking, "Ew, haters!"
But I digress, I am currently enrolled in elementary Japanese... it was the last class available. But that is what happens when you wake up at noon five days before the semester starts and register for classes. Hopefully there are some cute Asian guys to flirt with in my soon to be broken but charming, Japanese... which I hope will convince them to give me an oral exam... if you get my drift.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-25T17:41:00.001-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Get me some low budget liquor because I am about to throw a drink in PBS' motherf'in face!

2009-08-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

The recession done got Reading Rainbow!

I am in a vodka and tequila daze (technically a hangover) and I am not in the mood to be dealing with any nonsense! So low and behold when I access the news (celebrity gossip is the news to me) on my MacBook there insulting my eye balls was the hurtful news that some important hoes are evicting Reading Rainbow from PBS! They done Laver Burton shady! Reading Rainbow was like everything to me growing up, since my parents were busy being neglectful, it was Reading Rainbow that would take care of my ass. When I needed help with my book report I wasn't about to depend on my shady parents, so I would turn on reading rainbow and copy whatever those kids would summarize about the book they read. Girl, why was I going to do the work when a toothless booger head on tv was giving me the business, please hoodrat, that is how you hustle in the hood. And Why were all those dumb heads on Reading Rainbow missing teeth, girl if I knew I was going to be on tv I wouldn't do my teeth nasty like that, I would put on one of those flippers that the baby prostitutes wear on Toddlers and Tiaras.
But I digress, August 28, 2009 is the last show of reading rainbow, check local listings for times. I know I will be watching the last episode of this iconic show, and probably doing a tequila shot everytime I see a rainbow, if Reading Rainbow is going out, it is going out with a bang even if it is the bang from me hitting the floor. If y'all didn't know I am an inebriated mess after the ninth tequila shot!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-24T18:06:00.000-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Girl, the rules of the road do not apply to this hoodrat!

2009-08-24T16:23:00.000-07:00

The cover of the DMV booklet! Glamorous!

Under the threat of my sister no longer feeding my jobless ass, I have agreed to learn how to drive, so I can take her around town so she can nag clerks, cops, attendants, and the general public. Really, you don't want to meet my sister if you work in the retail industry because she'll get you fired for not meeting her unrealistic customer service ideal, she is such a witch but I love her. She wants me to do this fairly soon and right now I am looking over the DMV book and I have some reactions.
First off they need to glitz it up a bit because I opened the first page and I was already HELLA bored.
What they need to do is get rid of that picture of the Governator, how do they expect a hoodrat like me to read it when I am confronted by one of my phobias, Germans (ok he is Austrian but when I see an Austrian my mind just goes to Germans and I get HELLA traumatized). No me Gusta, scary German associations!
And this kind of paper is not doing it for me, sorry I don't do news print they best get some of that glossy shiz they use at Vogue. The paper of vogue is so glossy it reminds me of a glistening manhole, and anything that reminds me of sweaty sex is going to get my attention.
And instead of having the drawings that show you what to do and what not to do, there should be a editorial spread of Xtina in head to toe glamor, acting out the situation. Imagine it, Christina dressed to the cuffs in Christian Lacroix while striking a Couture pose that captures the essence of a head on impact, HAUTE! I'd be twisting my nipples to that kind of beauty and learning at the same time.
Lastly they need to get rid of the segment about child car-seats, there will be none of that in my car! If those booger heads want to go to Chuck E. Cheese they best be getting a bus pass because there is no way in hell they are getting in my dropped low 1968 Impala!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-23T11:23:00.000-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Scooby Doo or a Saved Soul

2009-08-23T09:36:00.000-07:00

An Aztec goddess strikes less fear in the hearts of men compared to my Abuelita brandishing a Chancla.

Ew, my friend was being HELLA gross! He had this brain defect of an idea to call me at 7 in the morning to ask me if I wanted to go to Church. First of all I don't do church, I worship God in my own way by sinning most of my life and then repenting on my death bed; we be bingin' on sin and purgin' on our last baptism! Mujer, I know when to call in the redemption chip and that is when I am well done and ready to hit the holy road to those pearly gates, lets be real! When my friend called I was like, "Hell to the nah, hoodrat you need to get a reality check!" and then hung up on his ass like he was a Bill Collector.
If I didn't want to get up for Church for the thirteen years I lived with my abuelita, why the hell would I get up for a homo with a lisp. I remember when I was a young, dumb and hoodrat, I would pull some acrobatic-Cirque du Soleil, shiz just to get out of Church. Picture this, a 6 year old homo contorting like he was a first rate poser in the House of Ninja to fit his ass into a laundry hamper just to escape bible school; that is some "I don't want no holy wafer" dedication. I remember one time I was so hell bent on keeping my homo ass home to watch the Scooby Doo Halloween special that when my Grandmother said, "Your going to hell if you don't get your limp wrist to church," I replied, "Hoodrat I don't care!" Unfortunately for me, my grand is tough as steel balls, she picked me up with one arm slapped a tie on me with another and literally chucked me into our mini-van. When your Grandmother is one of those tough-old school-brads I guess you have no choice but to get your soul saved.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-22T20:24:00.001-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

This hoodrat!

2009-08-22T17:50:00.000-07:00

My lovely, Princess, the best hoodratting dog a bitter, homo could ask for!

If y'all didn't know, I hate humanity on a level that only some creep in the face, anti-social, serial psycho could appreciate. However, unlike those shack loving/isolation fanatics I am not about to stab anyone with a searing hot curling iron (I am gay I'd expire someone glamorously, just picture it, a cross between Michael Myers and Joan Collins. I'd be killin' and lookin haute in Couture). I am content writing about my contempt for humanity in my own Hella low budget vernacular, don't hate just read. Yes, I am HELLA giving the eye roll of hell-to-the-no to all the rest of you... well some of you, if your bitter, witty, and love to give the acrylic nail FINGER to the rest of society we probably should get messy on the tequila and throw some shade on the unsuspecting public!
But I digress, even though I avoid most people as if they were a Mormon at my front door, I do need a personal connection. But thank Buddha-Jesus-Christ, I have my lovely, Princess, one of the most chill and hoodratty dogs I have ever met! She is always there for me. When the stress of applying my hand crafted Chola eyebrows gets to me and I break out in a defeated sob, my girl princess is there for me...holding a spliff in one hand and a MD20/20 (And if you know what this is your probably a crackity bum or someone with no alcohol standards just like me, I don't hate I appreciate). I love my prescription pill popping, bi-polar, dog! She has been keeping me sane since 1999!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-21T18:50:00.000-07:00

HELLA 90's!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Quick post

2009-08-21T18:14:00.000-07:00

METHY!

Project Runway: All Stars- I was just waiting for Uli to stab Sweet P in her inflated cheeks! Was it me or was Sweet P all Labials and Twatters in love with the Evil German. She was all over Uli's nuts and you know that evil German was thinking the whole time, "F!ck dich."You know Uli was fighting back her urge to scream in German, that is HELLA scary, German's yelling used to haunt my dreams when I was six, people were afraid of monsters I was afraid of Germans.

Project Runway: Season 6- That Meth Head (Johnny Sakalis) wasn't making a dress he was making a meth lab!METHY! Hella Meth face too, and to cry like that on national t.v. is inexcusable; I am only tolerant of tears when it is leaking out something pretty, not something raunchy and thread bare. His face reminded me of a motel that has the smell of butt sex and CVS lube, HELLA low budget! His face was hella being rude, mean, and gross. They should make him face the wall when they have the cameras recording the designers, to spare us wholesome audience, seriously it is that kind of face that makes you a different person- once cheerful and happy, now a bitter, Gay, Hella Mexican blogger! I think I know Meth head, he looks like the type of person I'd break an empty Tequila bottle over!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch,

2009-08-20T14:31:00.001-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

The Audacity!

2009-08-20T13:42:00.000-07:00

This Woman is Fashion!

Some empty headed ninny, "fashion student," had the labials to say "Bjork was less fashionable then Lady GaGa!" I was like what the hash is he smoking. Lady Gaga! Lady "My Face is HELLA mean" GaGa! Yeah she does know how to rock fashion but to say she is better then Bjork is blasphemous! While lady Gaga knows how to put a look together, it was Bjork paving the way for music-fashion! Bjrok has been sited as Alexander McQueen's muse and having a close relationship with him! She has done more for the world of music and fashion then that bleached out gross face has ever done! And I am sorry what is it that Lady Pasty Face has done that is so innovated! She sounds like Xtina if she was having a whatever singing day; She has Ripped off all her sexual-outrageous exploits from Madonna circa 1990; and cannot hold a candle to Bjork's contribution to fashion, this Mujer pierced her back and nipples with pearls to break barriers of fashion and music (look up the video for Pagan Poetry)! What has Lady GaGa done that can compare to that! If you ask me Lady GaGa is as original as my Tia's knock off Coach Bag! But then again what do I expect from a vapid homo! His opinion was questionable from the start, when he based his reasoning on Lady GaGa being the "IT' girl, yeah her face is an it! the stupidity! idiota! There is a difference between an IT girl and a legend, lets get that straight!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-19T16:45:00.000-07:00

The Bags were one of the first punk groups to emerge out of East Los Angeles and fuse the politics of Chicano Movement with the working class sound of British Punk. There has been a revived interest in the lead singer of Alice Bag and her band The Bags in recent years. Personally I love anything punk and chola, look at how high Alice's eyebrows go that is altitude only a skilled chola could reach!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Lets get a little raunchy for a minute!

2009-08-19T16:05:00.000-07:00

I want some hot cooking in their pants!

Tonight on Bravo is the finals for Top Chef: Masters and usually I wouldn't give a Shitzu but the hot piece of men meat, Rick Bayless and Michael Chiarello are kicking men hole and lady parts left and right, I am addicted like Lindsay is to Meth (allegedly). Anywho, I hope the pressure is on because it is my gay fantasy that it gets so intense that Rick gets in the face of Michale and then they kiss, "for the first time," that would be super man creamy. I have been stalking Rick Bayless since I was in my hoodrating teens, he was my favorite Gringo cook on the PBS show, Mexico-One Plate at a Time . Michale on the other hand is a recent addition to my stalker list, since he brought his fine manness on Bravo and gave me a full hour of nipple twisting pleasure. Lets be raunchy for a minute, I would totally be in a fang bang with these two hot pieces, I would totally do a crab walk over Michale's goody bag while rick cradles my Huevos con Chorizo (or for my non-Mexicanized readers my eggs and meat), I am hella nasty but don't hate, I am real about my perverted persuasion.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-18T19:43:00.001-07:00

I have a obsessive fascination with communist propaganda and if you set it too punk legends Bikini Kill I just done died and gone to heaven!

cheers,

Hella Mexican

The Return of Project Runway! Epic Post!

2009-08-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

This looks to be promising! But the one with the bob hair-did is asking for it!

I don't know what counts as good journalism anymore because Out.com interviewed past designers from Project Runway and didn't get the chisme. What is the point of talking to fame groupies (you know those kind of hoodrats that will do anything to be in front of a camera even do a lazy eyed tv executive.) if they aren't going to get the dirt! For example they didn't ask Rami Kashou what went down (allegedly) last summer when some queen on rampage attacked him with a martini glass in a West Hollywood Bar (Allegedly, The Abby) or how he (allegedly) met his long time manz on a notoriously raunchy gay cruising site. They didn't bother ask Kenley Collins about her alleged crazy moment when she chucked an unwaxed pussycat at her now ex-fiance a few months ago. And also didn't bother to even get an interview with Jeffrey Sebelia and how (allegedly) kicked his babies mom to the curve shortly after winning project runway and is now bumping uglies with his model counterpart for his season of Project Runway, this is not American Journalism!
I am, however, more excited then a chola at Jack 'n' box for the return of Project Runway! It returns this Thursday at 8pm on its new home, the Lifetime channel with a two hour "All Stars Challenge" which sees the return of previous designers such as Daniel Vosovic (Big nosed homo gives me the nalga shivers, he looks like the living undead!), Satino Rice (Satino "Just won't let go of that spot light" Rice), Jeffery Sebelia (Or officially who I call Baby mama hater), Uli Herzner (The evil German, was she german I just used to call her the evil German so I forgot if it was true), Mychael Knight (You know his parents are third degree ebonics linguist with a name like that), Chris March (who I am backing to win this, even if I have to stab a tranny), Sweet P (Really an all star challenge? and you include this saggy pin-up), and Korto Momolu (She was robbed!). And it has been announced for this special reunion that our favorite Botox Betty, Nicole (I beat scintology) Kidman Will be a guest judge, I think she is going to need a muscle relaxer just to get her botox fused jaw to even enunciate her words!

This all star cast (except for Sweet P) will be followed by season six of project Runway at 10 pm. I have been looking at the line up of the new designers and I give Ra'mon-Lawrence Coleman a HELLA Juicy, and I would totally go Hit it in Malvin Vien. AND I am already hating Louise Black from Texas because her promo picture for lifetime.com looks low budget. This hoodrat considers herself a designer but has the audacity to shows up to picture day wearing an American Eagle V-neck Sweater-Dress from two seasons ago (I should know I worked there)! That is a sin against humanity! When the producers called all the designers and told them to look fashionable for picture day, they should of said "And when we say fashionable, we don't mean Texas fashionable, Ms. Black."
Despite the inclusion of Louise (I shamed the world by wearing American Eagle) Black this looks like a promising season of PR. Which includes celebrity guest judges like Lindsay (can't find a job) Lohan, and Eva Longoria Parker (She is bringing Chunty to prime time!), and (SANTA) Christina Aguilera . I am especially excited for Xtina gracing the world with her holy presences! And I hope Xtina takes a pair of Crochet hooks and shanks Ms. Black in the neck for her crime against fashion, that kind of low budget crime is HELLA inexcusable!
I just hope the following seasons are just as good, with more unconventional guest judges like my tia who thinks the climax of fashion is a bottle of Aquanet and "I am proud to be an American" t-shirt that was made in Vietnam; or my chunty cousin who wore a clear strap bra with her strapless quinceanera gown; or me who spells hot like Haute even when it's not!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Oh no, My Eye Balls Hella Melted!

2009-08-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

If violent had a baby with ugly this is what it would look like

Apparently People don't take the violent reaction people have to seeing Lady GaGa's (more like Lady Pasty Face) Fug" face because they put her on the cover of a magazine. She is on the current cover of Out magazine being gross and putrid. I think we all need to pull out our finest sharpie and glitter pens and write a serious letter to our government about this atrocity. Seriously, Out magazine is putting humanity in danger by releasing this kind of violence upon the world. HELLA Gruesome! Lady Pasty Face you need to stop because what your doing is HELLA mean!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-14T08:29:00.000-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Rainbow sharpie hearts for everyone!

2009-08-14T07:38:00.000-07:00

Here is Xtina with her stalker or what you people call her husband. I want proof!

Whatever Advocate.com is smoking I hope it is authentic because what they are reporting about Christina Aguilera's new album, Light and Darkness, is music to my gay ears! She will be collaborating with the likes of Sia, Neptunes, and Focus! That is like the trinity of nipple teasing and sharpie heart making! For real get me a cascade of rainbow sharpies because I am having a happy fit! The article goes on to report that Perez (Self-hater) Hilton tweeted that La Tiger was allegedly also getting in on this four way and that would be like heaven served on a bed of lettuce but I don't believe his tranny face lies! How can I trust a homo who calls people nasty, dirty names and not in that tender way either. But I digress, I love me some Xtina and I am HELLA excited by this news! And with current reports she is doing a Burlesque/musical film, this seems like it is going to be Christina's year... and by association my year!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-13T02:55:00.001-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Lets Hate on La Chilindrina for a few Mintues.

2009-08-13T02:14:00.000-07:00

My chunty cousin did the same pose for her invitation.

Here is my arch Nemesis La Chilindrina or what the rest of you know her as, Jessica (I am gross) Alba. You know I ain't anti-immigrant but this undocument is asking for me to deport her grossness. I think that hot desert sun she had to endure making the long journey across the border fried her brain because only a dehydrated, delusional undocument could think she will pull off blond. I hate when that hoodrat goes platinum. And for someone who tries to deny her Mexicanness that blond is notoriously chunty! Like my Tia has been doing the bottle blond since 1955... and my tia is hella chunty for god sakes she hides her money in her bra, thats HELLA Chunt. And doesn't that glam shot look like every quinceanera invitation. Damn girl, No matter how you try you can take the girl out of Mexico but you can't take the chunty out of the girl!

Cheers,

Hella Mexica

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

The Baby Batter Depositer.

2009-08-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

Montebello Buses offer a verity of sperm banking options.

So I took my hermit ass outside today and ran some errands around my hood. While I was being dumb and hoodratty on the Montebello Bus, I noticed all these hot guys on the bus. The first guy was an I'd hit it, the second guy was HELLA Juicy and the last guy was I'd go balls deep (ew, raunchy!). Yeah the last one made me hungry for some boy on boy raunch, he was the type of boy that you want as your personal sperm bank if you get my drift. In this recession honey you got to get creative where you store your valuables and in the butt crease of a hottie sounds hella good to me...Maybe I should look into a career as a finical adviser because that gem should be decreed to the masses, god I am HELLA SMART.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Was it Maturity or Was it Tapatio was on sale.

2009-08-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

My love of Tapatio cocked block me getting laid.

Last week I was at the super market. I have heard stories of guys going to the supermarket and cruising and always thought it was weird, like who wants to be picked up on when they have package shrinkage. Is it me guys, or is it every time your in the market your balls reseed like refugees fleeing a despotic country? I blame this embarrassing shortage on the blazing air conditioner, I think there is a secret society of man haters who control all the temperature in super markets, with the intent on ruining the game of any man trying to get his game on while feeling for the firmness of a melon, HELLA SHADY! But I digress, while my balls were taking refuge in my throat I noticed out the corner of my little gay eye a homo in a v-neck giving me the jizz eyes. You know the jizz gaze, it is the kind of gaze that says, " I think you're hot, I want you to blind my left eye with your jizz." Well that is the kind of stare he was giving me. If I was the same person I was a year ago I would have followed his jizz eyes with a dropping of everything I was doing taking him to the nearest discreet corner (and I do mean corner, hella slutty), dipping my quill in his ink and then unloading my quill all over his face (I love metaphors!). But the new me more mature me went on his hoodratty way and continued shopping for my Cup of Noddles, Tapatio, and Limon, I know it's ghetto but don't hate! This hoodrat knows his priorities, when you got a coupon for the Tapatio everything else seems petty.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

A 17 year old me used to cry to Return to Saturn when his first love broke his heart... now look at me, an ice queen with dead tear ducts...how much I matured.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

No Doubt but Then Again that Hair Was Asking for It.

2009-08-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

No Doubt, enough said!

I went to the No Doubt concert in Chula Vista last Saturday Night and it was Ammmaaaazzzing; When Shirley Manson, of Garbage and Maja Ivarsson, of the Sounds came on stage with No Doubt to sing a cover of Adam and the Ant's Stand and Deliver, I wanted to hug a care bear and sharpie in a chola's eyebrows (That is how I express happiness). Yes it was an great time except for the Gwenbie that was insulting my eyes through out the show; A Gwenbie is a fan that falls ardently in loves with Gwen that they are under the false self-delusion that they think they are Gwen. I went to high school with a girl like this; she dressed like Gwen, did her make up like Gwen and had her hair did exactly like Gwen. Yup, she was a dead ringer for Gwen except for the fact she was Samoen; was a as tall as skyscraper; weighed about two bucks fifty; and had a face only a blind and hand-less mother could love. Whenever I saw this particular Gwenbie walking down the halls of my school, I would turn to my friend and say something along the lines of this, "That girl be trippin' she must be on fantasy Island smoking a fatty blunt with that midget butler to be thinkin' she looks like Gwen."
But I digress, there was this Gwenbie at the concert on Saturday who was ruining my quality time with my little sister. She was all trying to copy Gwen's moves except for the fact she looked more like a drunk willow blowing in the wind, I was like "ew, she needs to stop before I get one of those metal pointed umbrella's and get ella-ella-a-a, all over her face." I was not having it! She was pushing her luck with her drunkin' hippie dancing and was really asking for it with that sad thing on top of her head or what she considered hair; It was the kind of hair you get mad at; the kind of hair that needs major frizz-ease intervention; an exorcism performed by John Frieda; and then an urgent call to animal control to capture the beast. But I forgave her for that sad one-two step and Cousin It like hair because she was celebrating the love of No Doubt... It is the kind of love that can bring an elegant chola like myself and pan fried noddle head like her together.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-08T08:55:00.000-07:00

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch

2009-08-08T02:46:00.000-07:00

This is a segment on music where I bring you, all my zero reads a bit of what I am currently listening to or in love with musically. I hope you enjoy my selections for My Uncle Santo's Itchy Crotch. And thanks to JR and Dan for introducing me to this video!

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

I was beating an ugly child with my eyes!

2009-08-08T01:15:00.000-07:00

When I see the Garbage Pail Kids being gross, I say "how cute," but when I see real kids do it I want to call the cops.

If ya'll didn't know I hate children, I mean I really hate them like if I could deport Babies to some famine stricken back wood's area, I would. They're germy and moco covered! Like for real, have you ever seen up their noses it is like mocos heaven, where all good mocos go when they die! But I digress, I was waiting for the bus today on Mednick and 3rd St. and just my luck there was the ugliest little booger hostage I have ever seen. It would have been a tolerable situation but that bowl haircut toddle monster was being all bratty and hella gross. At one point I swear he was kissing the bus stop's trashcan and talking to ants. I seriously wanted to beat the handsome gene right into him because his face was being rude by looking the way it did. I seriously needed a prayer and a huddle formation because I was so close to punting that unholy face all the way to Butt Fug Egypt.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican

Your Chin is hella mean!

2009-08-08T00:40:00.000-07:00

Leslie Hall made me mad at Britney.

I was being all dumb and vapid when my friend, J.R., insulted my irises with this picture. I was all at peace with the world when the link popped up on my AIM screen, now I am bitter, mean, and popping balloons and smashing birthday cakes. But I digress, my Friend asked me for my first reaction and to be politically incorrect (which is the new Politically correct) this picture made me mad at Britney Spears... because my first reaction was "Ew! Britney and her double chin" and then when my dumbness realized it wasn't Britney I was still mad at Britney's double chin, like for real, no matter how much that trailer baby loses the pounds that double chin is still bouncing and swerving like a feral jello mold. That Chin is hella offending people with it's unsupported sag, it is like watching an old woman's breast fall out of a halter top, HELLA TRAUMATIC. I think she needs to call the snipty snip doctor and get that slimer from under her chin terminated. I would even write to some real important hoe for a tax reduction for Britney's elective surgery because that is some charity work for humanity.

Cheers,

Hella Mexican